Drop that was too much
I hit bottom. Rock solid bottom. And it hurt as hell. I was in pain – emotional above all and I lost will. To do anything and to be anything. It happened to me, me who is like best representative of sparkling joyful way of living. What happened?
A month ago, I got suffocation attack out of nowhere. I was at home, sitting on sofa, looking at my lap top holding phone in one hand to make a call and pen in other to write something down. And it hit me. I barely could breath and I felt pain and heaviness in my chest. I was alone and I was scared. I phoned a friend and he asked me do I feel pain in my left arm – being worried about me having heart attack. I just layer down and rest. I put everything aside – for days. Doing nothing.
And feeling down hit me – anxiety, tension, lack of self worthiness, tones of bad thoughts were rushing in my head. And I was alone. People who knew didn’t call nor toted nor asked how was I. I felt so lonely. And helpless.
And now what?
But you know what they say – whatever you are experiencing – it will pass. It just doesn’t happen itself. All I was asking all the time was what was really going on. Because I interpret all as huge warning sign but for what? What was happening to me?
First of all – I figured out I had panic attack. And as my doctor friend told me – you are doing something really bad to yourself if you autonomous nerve system decides to take over control.
Thousands of all sort of different thoughts were running in my head. Not to mention emotional chaos. Guilt, sadness, anger, blame – what the hell have I done to myself?
It was so clear that I need to make change – not just one….but total life/work makeover.
Of course if you want to continue going downhill you don’t do a thing. But if you want different results – change is inevitable.
Thing no.1 I changed – be kind to me. Instead of being harsh toward myself I started to be very kind and gentle. Guilt, sadness, anger, blame, fear and all similar states and emotions are quite – destructive. You can’t create anything new nor different when feeling like shit. Or you can – some more shit, some more destruction – for yourself and others. But kindness, acceptance and joy are very creative and supportive states and energies.
Thing no.2 I started to meditate regularly. I calmed my mind, my emotions and my body. I did it in past on regular bases but quitted when I have found enough excuses how I don’t need it nor I have “time” for it. Since I did in past I am able to get into state of deep peace very fast.
Thing no.3 I put all “musts” and “shoulds” aside. Guess what? Nothing (and nobody), but I mean absolutely NOTHING is more important than my health – body, mind and soul. I stopped my video challenge on facebook, I stopped creating new things in business, I stopped answering phones, handling anything but me – and my dog. I figured out I don’t have enough capacity to handle anything more than barely maintaing my pure existence.
All together it took 2 weeks. ‘ years ago when I was suffering from depression – it took me year and half to get out of it. I wasn’t even aware that I was in depression until I managed to get out of it and look back and thought – OMG. Where the hell was I? Now, only two weeks…how awesome is that?
Now I feel blessed and grateful for what happened. My awareness expanded beyond my imagination, I had tones of a-ha moments, deep insights and letting of of shit that is serving me nor my life.
You are not alone
I decided to make some huge shifts in my business and in my life. And I will share them with all of you and ask you for your contribution.
We created group on facebook called Living without limits. No matter what you are going through you shouldn’t be alone. Because you are not. I know how I felt and how some other people feel while going through tough times and are – ashamed and scared to share it with others. No judgments, no blame – this is space of acceptance, support and encouragement for everyone who want to receive it. And you are invited and you can invite anyone who you feel will contributed from it.
Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself – first.